I was stood up!! It took 52 years, countless dates, crazy experiences and now I can add being stood up to my dating stories.  There were red flags everywhere, but I let my curiosity get the better of me.

It all started when I got matched with "Jim" on an online dating site. "Jim's" profile said that he was 51, lived in Toronto, and worked in the investment industry.  He was handsome, educated, fit, successful and seemed to tick off all of the boxes on my mental checklist for the ideal partner. This probably should have been red flag number one.

We exchanged messages on the site and then we exchanged cell phone numbers and begin texting. He asked me if I would be interested in meeting him for a tea or a drink, and I agreed. He said he was travelling to Whistler to do some skiing and then had business in Manhattan, so we agreed to meet the following week.  I was excited to meet him as he was interesting to chat with, and seemed intelligent and fun.

"Jim" contacted me when he returned from Manhattan and invited me to meet him downtown, near both our respective offices, for a tea. The date he suggested was already pretty booked for me, but I really wanted to meet him, so I was determined to make it work. Unfortunately, that turned out to be a mistake on my part as a client emergency arose and I had to let "Jim" know first thing in the morning that I was going to have to reschedule our 1 p.m. tea.

"Jim" was mildly annoyed and said that he had adjusted his schedule to meet me. He sarcastically referenced a line from my dating profile that says I am "looking for a man on top of his game".  He said he was on top of his game and that he, in fact, was a "Rockstar"  or a "God" and that he was in extreme demand.  I apologised again for having to reschedule, and he told me that I was "a dork for blowing him off" (red flag number two).  I advised that I wasn't a "dork" and that I wasn't blowing him off.  He then responded that it was ok as his ego probably needed to be knocked down a few pegs. We then agreed to meet for a tea a few days later.

That night the most interesting thing happened. I got together with my girlfriend who is also single and we began chatting about our online dates.  She showed me a message that she had received from a cute guy who she had initiated contact with, and when I looked at the photos, I realized that it was "Jim"  except in this profile his name was "Peter" and he was 57, lived in Hamilton, and worked in the military. The photos though were the same. This was red flag number three.  I now thought that this seemingly perfect guy was dishonest and some sort of player or catfish.

I debated with my girlfriend what I should do about my upcoming date with "Jim/Peter". Should I stand him up and block him?  Should I cancel with no explanation? Should I confront him about his dual profiles? I chose option three. I sent him a text advising him that I had come across this other profile through my girlfriend and it had all his photos, and that I wasn't sure what to think, but that I thought it was best if we didn't meet.

His reaction was interesting. He denied that he knew anything about the "Peter" profile and almost seemed hurt that I was suggesting he had more than one profile. He then gave me what he said was his full name, home address, and he invited me to check out his profile on LinkedIn which he suggested was more reliable than an online dating site. I did go to LinkedIn and sure enough his "Jim" profile was there.  He asked me where we stood and said he would still like to meet me.  I am a big believer in giving someone the benefit of the doubt so I agreed to meet him.  He was quite attractive in his photos so it seemed plausible that an imposter might have copied them.  I also  couldn't figure out why he would be trying to mislead me on this.

The day arrived for our fateful date/meet.  I walked over to the coffee shop near my office where we had agreed to meet at 5:45 p.m. I chatted with my girlfriend as I walked over and mentioned that I had an uneasy feeling.  I arrived promptly at 5:45 and as I walked in, I didn't see anyone who looked like "Jim".  As I walked up to the counter to order my tea, I received a text from him saying, "hi".  I replied "hi" back.  He then texted, "I hope you are late."  I responded, "I am here, grabbing a table at the back."  There was no response.  I waited about ten minutes and then texted him asking what time he was going to arrive.  My phone then rang and it was "Jim" calling from what appeared to be a Hamilton area number.  "Jim" began by saying that he was a father of 4 and was, therefore, juggling a lot.  He said that a client from Manhattan had walked in his office door at 5:05 p.m. and that he had forgotten that he had scheduled a meeting with him.  I asked why he didn't call or text me at 5:05 then to tell me he was going to either be late or have to reschedule.  He replied, "Good question.  I thought I would still make the meeting."  I replied that this was not going to work out as this situation combined with his dual profiles raised too many red flags.  He responded that he had googled me and might walk into my office one day and try and make it up.  I said I needed to go and ended the call.

I left the coffee shop with a lot of questions.  Why would someone do this? How did it benefit him in any way to play this game? Was he playing a game or was it remotely possible that all his crazy stories were true? I felt disappointed and foolish, and begin to question for the 5000th time whether I should bother with online dating.  I decided that while online dating may not be for me, I will never give up hope that one day I will find love.

I changed the names in this story to protect "the guilty". If you are reading this and want to venture a guess at "Jim's" motivation for doing this, or whether you think he was being honest or playing a game, I would love to read your feedback in the comments.  While another one bites the dust, I will continue to believe in the good in people and not let the "Jims" of the world get me down. After all "Jim" has provided me with yet another great dating story for my blog.

Divorce is one of life’s most stressful events. It affects everything important to us: our children, our finances, where we will live, our identity and our expectations about the future.  Going through a divorce is emotionally draining. The hassles involved in the divorce process can make a person irritable, frustrated, and short-tempered. Practicing meditation and yoga during and after divorce promotes self-love, clarity, and balance. There are only a few other things in life as traumatic as going through a divorce. If you are trying to manage a divorce, your work, and your kids, you may be neglecting your own health and peace.

During these difficult times, it is more important than ever for you to take good care of your mind and body. Yoga is a nurturing practice for your emotional well-being and great for your physical health. The combined mind and body approach of yoga makes it an ideal practice for improving overall health.

3 Ways Meditation and Yoga Can Help You Manage the Stress That Surrounds Your Divorce

1.      It builds a community – Going through a divorce can make you feel isolated. You may feel like you have lost the constant support that you had. Experiences of personal growth and relaxation are common to those who practice yoga. Being surrounded by people with the same values as yours will help you fight any anxiety and stress that has stemmed out of your divorce.

2.    Cultivates self-love in you – Getting overwhelmed with doubt ,guilt, and self-blame while going through a divorce is natural. If you are getting separated from a violent and abusive partner, you might even be facing aggression and gas lighting. Practicing yoga and mindfulness is integral to curbing the effect of stress on your mind and body. Yoga and meditation teach a radical approach towards relationships and life, an approach based on love. You will begin to set yourself free of worries and regrets after you start practicing mindfulness.

3·      Helps you gain clarity – Getting divorced brings you to a crossroads in life. While this is terrifying at first, it can be equally empowering with the right approach. Yoga and mindfulness will help you get better clarity of the past and plan for a better future. If you are unable to fathom your situation at the moment, mindfulness will help you find order out of chaos. When the fog of doubt, negativity, regret, and fear will fade, you will see your life clearly.

Mindfulness comes from practicing yoga and meditation. In general, mindfulness helps you stay in the present moment at all times without rehashing over the past or worrying about the future. Using a mindful approach to your divorce can have many benefits including less stress, better relationships, better decisions and lower legal fees because you aren’t making your decisions based upon reactive emotions.  

In addition, being part of a divorce support group can have enormous benefits to help you through your difficult time. You can share what your are going through with others who understand firsthand the challenges you are experiencing. You won’t feel alone. It is also a great way to build new friendships in your post-divorce life.

Divorce is not easy, but putting important supports and tools for selfcare in place will make it easier for you and your children. Life after divorce can be happy and fulfilling, but you have to be proactive in taking care of yourself as you begin this next chapter of your life.

Divorcing a narcissist is often extremely stressful and brings its own set of challenges to the process.  In order to preserve your own sanity , it is important to understand how the narcissist thinks. The following tips will help you develop an effective divorce strategy, minimize your trauma and help keep your legal costs down.

Divorcing a narcissist will take its toll in two key area:

1.  Emotional:

The narcissist will not be cooperative through the divorce process or go away quietly. They will blame everyone else for their problems and perceive themselves as the victim. Narcissists need to win and they love the adversarial nature of the legal system. They will be manipulative, and they will try to paint you as the bad guy with family, friends and even your own children.

2. Financial:

Often narcissists are powerful and financially successful so they use this to their advantage. They refuse to provide financial information and documents. They refuse to negotiate and will defy court orders as they think they are above the law. They will file endless motions, hide assets and income and try to exhaust your financial ability to fight them.

How can you prepare for battle a narcissist and get what you need?

1. Have money on hand (a war chest). You may need this money for living expenses while the divorce plays out and you will need funds for legal fees.  You want to begin the process from some level of financial stability, if possible, so that you can fight for what is important to you.

2. Make sure you have good credit in your own name.

3. Get your financial paperwork together. The narcissist will likely hide and withhold information so if you can compile it before discussing divorce, that is ideal. Don’t keep copies at home, instead give them to a friend or relative, or put them in a safety deposit box so the narcissist doesn’t know about it.

4. Put together a top notch divorce team which may include the following:

i) Family lawyer who has experience dealing with narcissists and domestic abuse;

ii) Financial planner;

iii) Qualified therapist who is familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder;

iv) Qualified Divorce Coach who is trained and experienced in dealing with narcissists.

5. Once the divorce process is initiated, keep direct communication with the narcissist to a fact based, dispassionate minimum. Email is ideal as it gives you time to think before responding. It also keeps a record of the dialogue and may eliminate some of the abusive behavior if the narcissist knows that someone else may read it or that it could end up in court.

6. Don’t respond to the narcissist’s behavior in kind. It will only elevate things. Don’t fight fire with fire. Don’t opt for a pit-bull lawyer who will contribute to the elevation of hostility. Instead opt for a lawyer who is tough, but reasonable.

7. Stop feeling, start thinking. Do not respond to the narcissist out of emotion. Take your time, ask questions, be reasonable. Decide which battles to fight and focus on those. Don’t stoop to their level. You can’t change them.

8. If necessary due to the level of abuse and its impact on you, communicate only through lawyers. This will add to your legal expenses but your peace of mind is priceless.

9. Anticipate that the narcissist will try to charm the court, your children, your neighbours and may succeed. Try not to get upset about this. Focus on the big picture and long-term.

10. Document everything and keep good records. Log how much time each of you spends with the children as you may need these records if custody is in issue.

11. Keep the narcissist on a short leash when it comes to court orders because they will constantly be testing your boundaries and will to enforce things. The same is true of the terms of any separation agreement.

12. Have courage, patience and persevere. You can and will survive.

While divorcing a narcissist is never easy, your life WILL get better if you endure the pain of the process.  Just keep reminding yourself, that the alternative to divorcing the narcissist is staying with him or her, and that is a guarantee that your life will NOT improve.

I have a coaching program specifically designed to assist those who are divorcing a narcissist.  Please contact me if you would like more information.

With the high divorce rate and more transient nature of relationships in 2019, more people are dating in midlife than ever before. Factor in the growth of online dating, dating apps, and dating through social media and the entire dating culture has dramatically changed. Change can be good, change can be bad, and in the case of midlife dating change can be outright ugly. For those who are out in the trenches, here is a summary of the realities of dating over 40.

Being single at 50 is a very different experience than being single at 25. Not only is the dating world different and the prospects slimmer, but what I find myself looking for in a relationship has dramatically changed too.

When you have children and you find yourself single again, dating can be very complicated.  Not only do you have the challenge of finding someone worthy of dating, but you have more constraints on your time, potential childcare issues, and then the complex issue of what your children should know and who they should meet.  The following are some general tips that I have acquired through my own experience and the experience of clients.

Let's be honest. No one likes a Debbie Downer. We all appreciate positivity and good energy. This is especially true in the dating world. We want our relationships to be fun and to complement our already stressful lives. Modern day daters, in particular, seem to only want relationships that are fun, light, easy....."good vibes only." While "good vibes" are definitely important, "good vibes only" should not be what we strive for in a relationship.

If you have ever worked in a sales job, then you are most likely very familiar with the "Tire Kickers".  A "tire kicker" is someone who appears to be interested in buying something, asks a lot of questions, uses up a lot of your time, but then does not buy anything.  There are lots of them around and if you try to sell something on the internet, it can be even worse. Sadly, the "Tire Kickers" have expanded from not only wasting people's time in the world of sales, they are now a force to be reckoned with in the dating world of 2018.

In this world of "coffee meets", "hanging out", and "Netflix and chill", do people even go on real dates anymore?  As someone who longs for some of the old style courtship, I am starting to think that "real dates" are becoming an endangered species.  While I have certainly met some wonderful gentlemen who know how to properly court a woman and take her out for a wonderful evening, for every man like that, there are dozens who just want to hang out.  I am sure that there are many men finding the same thing about women, so my comments in this blog are aimed at both genders.