Category Archives for "Divorce"

In Praise Of Shorter Men

As we women raise hell about stereotypes and fight barriers, I find it troubling that the stereotype of the “tall, dark and handsome man” as being the most attractive man still seems to prevail in 2019. I have heard from male friends that some women go so far as to put in their online dating profiles that they won’t date a man under 6 feet tall and I have many girlfriends who list a man’s height as a deal breaker. This is such a pet peeve of mine that I felt compelled to speak out, so I am writing this blog as a tribute to shorter men.

As a seasoned dater, I am very aware of how difficult it is to meet someone with whom you find a true connection. With all of the games that go on and all of the people out there carrying so much baggage they could fill an airplane, it seems to me that someone’s height is just so superficial. When I hear my girlfriends go on about the importance of height I roll my eyes, and think to myself, how ridiculous it is for them to reject someone who is kind, smart, fun, good looking, funny, fit and successful, someone who has everything else going for him, but he is 5 foot 7 instead of 6 feet. To me, this is utterly ridiculous, but yet I have come to realize that I may be in the minority for thinking this way.

I come across women who are not necessarily bringing a whole lot to the table themselves, and yet, they go on and on about the importance of height in a man. I meet women who are short themselves, and they place importance on height. I meet tall women who insist on a man being well over 6 feet. It seems that many of them would rather compromise on kindness, humour, intelligence and a great personality just to make sure they have their 6 foot 2 man.

At the end of the day, we are all entitled to place importance on the qualities that we choose in a date or a prospective mate. If Margaret or Nancy would rather date a 6 foot tall asshole than a 5 foot 8 wonderful man then that is their prerogative. I just think that as women who complain about stereotypes, we shouldn’t be applying them ourselves. I also think that when it is already difficult enough to meet someone with whom your truly connect, placing a rigid height requirement as a non-negotiable criteria, certainly limits the quality men that you will have the opportunity to meet. I guess I should celebrate the women who do this, as it means less competition for women like myself who don’t hold onto this rigid height requirement for love.

We are attracted to what we are attracted to and sometimes it can be difficult to explain or understand. I do think, however, that it is important to question why we might feel a certain way and whether it has been groomed by a stereotype. As we see stereotypes surrounding race, religion, and age disappearing in the dating world, it would be nice to see what I think is another superficial stereotype also disappear. What do you think? Do you have a height requirement?

Six Tips For Dating When You Have Children

When you have children and you find yourself single again, dating can be very complicated.  Not only do you have the challenge of finding someone worthy of dating, but you have more constraints on your time, potential childcare issues, and then the complex issue of what your children should know and who they should meet.  The following are some general tips that I have acquired through my own experience and the experience of clients.

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Do People Even Go On Real Dates Anymore?

In this world of "coffee meets", "hanging out", and "Netflix and chill", do people even go on real dates anymore?  As someone who longs for some of the old style courtship, I am starting to think that "real dates" are becoming an endangered species.  While I have certainly met some wonderful gentlemen who know how to properly court a woman and take her out for a wonderful evening, for every man like that, there are dozens who just want to hang out.  I am sure that there are many men finding the same thing about women, so my comments in this blog are aimed at both genders.

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2 The Problem Is You Found Her, But You Kept Looking

I recently posted a meme with the title of this blog on my social media and was very surprised at the response, mostly from men, who seemed to take exception to the content of the meme.  The point of my post wasn't to attack men, it was to highlight this modern day problem that has arisen amongst both men AND women.  Everyone is so busy searching for "the one", they overlook the very special person who may be right in front of them.

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Surviving The Holidays After Divorce

The holiday season is always a tough time during a divorce and for the first few years after. It serves as a reminder of happier family times, and also puts enormous stress on divorcing parents who feel pressure to maintain the status quo while their whole world may be falling apart. While there is no magical solution to cure the holiday blues, here are some tips to make the season a little bit easier:

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Alternatives To A Divorce War

Divorce rates are high, but divorce should always be the last option.  There are a number of options available other than full on divorce warfare which often benefits no one.   Here are some alternatives to consider before considering fighting it out in court.

  1. Marriage Counselling:  If both parties have a willingness to try to save the marriage, marriage counselling may be a viable option that can improve the relationship enough that the couple decides to take the word divorce off of the table. Divorce should always be the last option and where children are affected, couples may feel that they owe it to their kids to at least try to work things out.
  2. Relationship Coaching:  This is an alternative to counselling where both parties work with a coach in a positive way to identify goals for the relationship, work on communication and discover paths to remove barriers that are causing problems.  It is client focused, and results oriented.  While counselling has more of a healing orientation,  coaching is more oriented towards action and moving forward.
  3. Mediation:  This involves the couple meeting with a neutral, third party mediator who assists with moving the negotiation forward .  Mediation can be used during a divorce in order to resolve the property, custody and support issues of the parties, or it can be used to resolve other disputes between the parties.  It is not binding, but it can be an effective, low cost alternative to going to court, particularly if the couple is not far apart on their respective position on the issues.
  4. Arbitration:  Another non-court alternative for couples who have decided they want to separate or divorce is to hire a neutral third party who essentially acts as a private judge to make a binding decision with respect to such issues as property, custody and support.  Arbitration is more costly than mediation, but less costly than going to court.

Divorce is a major life decision with far reaching implications affecting your children, where you live, your financial well-being and your emotional well-being. It is important to thoughtfully consider all of the alternatives.

As The Seasons Change, So Do Our Relationships: How To Weatherproof Your Relationship

Just like with the seasons, change is inevitable.  For any relationship to last long-term, partners need to be adaptable and committed to adjusting to life’s changing seasons.  With the holidays coming next month, and the increased opportunity for family time, November is a great time to reflect on our relationships, and make sure we are adjusting with the times to weather the future together as a team.

Here are some tips on weatherproofing your relationship with your partner:

  1. Communication:  This is the number one thing that partners need to do well in order to have a healthy relationship.  We need to communicate our needs so that our partner understands what we need from the relationship.  No one is a mind reader.  Uncommunicated needs lead to resentments which undermine healthy relationships.
  2. Quality and Quantity of Time:  It goes almost without saying that spending quality time together is important.  Date nights and intimacy are very important to a healthy relationship. Quantity of time matters though too.  Absence doesn’t really make the heart grow fonder, it makes it grow more distant.  Just spending time in the same room, even if one of you is reading and one of you is doing a hobby, can still help strengthen your connection. The best relationships are ones where partners know they can just be together and they don’t have to be talking, as the silence isn’t uncomfortable.
  3. Reciprocity:  Both partners need to be committed to working on the relationship and helping it grow with the times.  If only one person is putting in the effort, it won’t work.
  4. Agreement on key issues including money, parenting and sex:  If a couple has very divergent viewpoints on these three issues, there are going to be significant problems in the relationship.  There needs to be lots of communication on these topics and a commitment to always keeping the communication channels open as changes in life affect these three areas.
  5. Respect:  If there is mutual respect in a relationship, it has a much better chance of weathering the storms.

We can’t stop change from happening, but with a little time and commitment, we can weatherproof our lives from the changing seasons.

2 5 Ways To Make Online Dating Work For You

Online dating has permanently changed how we find love in the modern world.  It has given rise to a buffet of potential matches, and all we have to do is keep returning to the buffet and sampling other dishes.  It has given rise to multi-dating, polyamorous love, and an ever increasing hook-up culture.  Some say it has destroyed romance,  and long-term relationships, and in many ways it has devalued all of the participants who are often viewed as nothing special and easily replaceable.   With all of these challenges it can be easy to become jaded and discouraged, however, with the right outlook and approach online dating can be a fantastic way to meet new people and potentially find exactly what you are looking for.

Here are 5 ways to make online dating work for you:

  1. Be open minded:  The best approach to online dating is to have little or no expectations.  Maybe you will make a new friend, maybe you will find true love, or maybe you will just have a funny story to laugh about with your friends.  Just be open to the idea of meeting new and interesting people, and you won’t feel disappointed if you didn’t make a love connection.
  2. Don’t take anything personally: Like anywhere, the online dating world has its share of rude, ill-mannered and weird people.  Don’t take it personally if someone from online is rude or insulting to you.  It is a reflection on them, not you, and in no way should you let someone else’s rude behaviour cause you to feel bad about yourself.  You need to have a thick skin to successfully online date as the process itself devalues us all.
  3. Be positive:  Rather than assuming the worst about potential online suitors, assume the best.  Assume that they are genuine, sincere and interested in you and you will give off a positive energy that will attract positive people.
  4. Listen to your instincts:  If your gut is telling you that something doesn’t seem right about someone, listen to it.  While I recommend viewing people positively, you also need to use common sense and be smart about who you meet, and where or how you meet them.  Being positive doesn’t mean that you take risks with your safety or waste your time with someone who your instincts tell you is being less than honest.
  5. Be open to the idea that your Prince or Princess Charming may come in a package that looks different than the one you envisioned:  One of the biggest shortcomings of online dating is that you can’t tell from a photo or profile whether you will feel any chemistry with someone.  Sometimes the person who seems less than stellar on paper or a computer screen, can be charismatic and have an outstanding personality that attracts you when you meet in person.  Don’t be so rigid with your checklist of qualities your prospective date must have that you miss out on the opportunity to meet someone fantastic.

Online dating is here to stay so if you are single you might as well use it to your advantage. This simple approach will ensure that you have fun with it whether you meet the love of your life or not.

4 Knowledge Is Power

All too often people stay in bad relationships out of fear of the alternative.  Fear of not having enough money to live.  Fear of never finding love again.  Fear of having less time with their children.  Fear of the unknown.

Fear based decisions are never good ones.  Knowledge is power and while we never have a crystal ball, relationship decisions can be made a lot easier if we take the steps to gain knowledge to empower ourselves. This can be as simple as setting up a consultation with a family law lawyer to find out about your rights.

Many family lawyers offer free 30 minute consultations, but even if you have to pay for the consultation, it can be money well spent.  A consultation can clarify for you what you are likely to gain and lose both financially and with respect to your children, if you walk away from a relationship.  Acquiring knowledge can better help you make a decision about what makes the most sense for you.  The consultation is confidential, so your partner doesn’t even need to know that you spoke to a lawyer unless you want him or her to know.  Most importantly, a consultation will help alleviate your fears, put to bed any misinformation you have heard, and if you ultimately plan to leave, it can provide you with a valuable plan or roadmap to put you in the best position possible after separation.  In addition, a consultation doesn’t obligate you to do anything.  You are empowered by having the knowledge of your rights, but you don’t have to make any changes unless you choose to do so.

Divorce is one of life’s most stressful events, and part of what contributes to the stress in uncertainty.  This is what keeps so may people trapped in unhealthy relationships.  While a family lawyer can’t tell you whether you will find love again, (and chances are you probably will), a lawyer can answer many of the other questions surrounding the uncertainty of divorce so that you can empower yourself and live your best life.

Why Shared Parenting Should Be The Norm After Divorce

What two factors determine how well children fare after divorce?   Mom and Dad.  It seems like it should be a no brainer that having a good relationship with BOTH parents is critical to children’s well being.  Yet many judges still favour mothers in cases where custody is being ordered by the court.

A recent study by Linda Nielsen, a Professor of Adolescent and Educational Psychology at Wake Forest University, found that the effects of conflict between divorcing parents may have been exaggerated and that minimizing conflict may be less important than other factors when it comes to custody.  High conflict does not necessarily mean poor outcomes for children.  What does matter most for positive outcomes for children according to Nielsen’s study?  The quality of the parent-child relationship, with both the father and the mother, trumped everything else.

This provides a strong argument that shared custody should be the norm unless it is a situation involving abuse or neglect.  The love and support of both Mom and Dad is much more important to children’s well being.

Here are some tips for parents that make a shared custody arrangement easier on everyone:

  1.  Don’t talk about the other parent negatively to your child.  If you need to vent, find a friend, write in a journal, call a family member.  Don’t vent to your child.
  2. Be willing to put your child’s interest first by accepting that for certain life events. your child needs both his or her parents there, and you can tolerate the presence of your ex for a few hours at a graduation, an important game, a wedding and other important events in your child’s life.
  3. If your child is having difficulty with something in the other parent’s home, encourage your child to talk about it with the other parent.  Don’t put yourself in the middle of something that shouldn’t involve you.
  4. Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Let little things go and don’t make a big deal out of something that your ex did that in the bigger picture really isn’t that important.

Shared custody benefits children in many ways.  It’s about time it becomes the norm.

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